I miss my dad a lot tonight, and I still can't believe hes gone.

I'm so angry, and so confused, and so fucking sad.

And no one gets it. It's not their fault. He was always the only one who ever got me. Which is probably why I feel so god damn alone.

Rip pop. And I'm sorry. For all the lost time. For everything. =(

Cuz i look in the mirror.
And all i see are your green eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

I am completely content with who I am as a person. I think I've grown up just fine. I feel no need to answer to anyone, but me. I don't care if you think I make poor decisions, at least they're my poor decisions.

Everyone says whats life without substance? Without a job, money, things to show your somebody. I don't think thats living at all to be quite honest.

Living is staying up all night with the ones you love, making a fool of yourself, dancing even when theres no music.

I can already tell I'm not going to be a materialistic person when I get older, and its George Strait who convinced me of that. "Well you don't bring nothing with you here, and you cant take nothing back. I ain't never seen a hearse with a luggage rack." When your gone thats it. The only thing you have left to uphold your legacy is the memories you made, and the people you live on through.

I'm doing what I set out to do from the start, making my mark on the world.

I have been fucked over..by the two people in my life who I thought would never let me down. Ive given up. And come to the realization that you came in to this world alone, and thats the same way your leaving.

2006. Changed my life. For the better, for the worse. It just changed it.

I met soooo many people who had an impact on me in some way. Made me a little tougher. Taught me that it's alright to feel, but it's not always smart too trust everyone from the start. Helped me take everything a little less seriously. Basically just helped me..even if they didnt realize it. Even the people who treated me badly helped me.

I have my best friend back. Not that there was ever a time when our friendship wasn't there because no matter where I was in life if that girl called I would've been there. But just in the way that we talk 387434 times a day again, and are together constantly. Its nice to have someone in your life who knew you BEFORE you grew up. With her I dont need to pretend. Or lie. She just always knows. Not anything specific..just EVERYTHING. And I KNOW that in 10 years I will still be saying the same thing.

This year also helped me realize that you cant make someone be everything you want them to be, and even if theyre a wonderful person. You cant make your heart feel something thats not there.

On that note I also figured out that you cant make your heart stop feeling something that IS there.

I changed my outlook on life a lot too. I dont really have the same values I once did. I have NO IDEA what I want to do with the rest of my life. And Im fine with that. I just want to be with those I love, and do what makes me happy. Im not the type of person to smile when im sad, and tell you I like you when I dont. Basically what I mean is I dont settle for something because people are telling me its the right thing or the safe choice. Im going to take risks, do everything I fucking want too. Never look back. Laugh often, cry close to never. I have no idea what goes on after life, but just in case theres NOTHING. Im gonna live in the right now.

So much too look forward too.

My other half in ALMOST less than a week!

And then my 17th birthday. Cant even believe how fast life has gone.

Its crazayyyy.

I wish I was one of those people who could do what they were expected to in life and be happy about it.

Ive never been the type of person to like working. I mean Ive done it because I had too. But I question everything along the way. Same with school I go because I have to, but the whole time im asking why.

I have too strong of a head on my shoulders. I know what I want and what makes me happy, and im NOT happy unless Im doing it.

I think about after hs..and I mean Im going to go to college because its the right thing to do. But to be quite honest I dont think Ill live up to my potential there. Id be happy fucking piss broke laying on a beach all day long. Fishing. Tanning. Drinking. Being with the people I love. Id even be happy in some foreign country working to help change the world for atleast a few people for NO MONEY.

When it comes down to it thats what lifes about. Doing what you want and being with people who make you smile. Its too fucking short to wear that suit and go to that corporate office and waste your life away. For what? For money. Yea moneys great, but theres so much more than that. When you get to heaven I highly doubt gods going to take about your yearly income. I want him to look at me and be like youve made quite the difference, and even though there were bumps along the way you never stopped smiling.

What possessed me to take creative writing?

Tomorrow means that were HALFWAY through the week!! =D
Hollerrrr.

I hate working. I want to quit. lol.

Why am I so lazy?

I dont like mornings before school. Not one bit.

Brittanys in my bahtroom doing her makeup. I<3Her.

I feel like im going to be late. ahah. Hollerrr. 2nd day!

Life is a roller coaster..

Ups, Downs..I dont know anymore. Theres nothing I can change so I guess I just need to love where its taking me and learn from the bad times.

This is the first time in my life theres no boys. None that I could see myself being wtih. Now Im just patiently waiting..for SOMETHING. Dont know what yet.

So Florida was a crazy time. Not how I wouldve liked it to end. But I still love those kids. I hope they know that.

Im home now. Working hella hours.

Hanging out with the fantastic four is what Im about these days. We had a drunken ladies night a few days ago. Priefer took care of me. Like Ive done for her so many times. We got eachother. We're two peas in a pod. =) ahah old memories.

Im basically content with life. Just chilling. Waiting for who knows what to happen.

Summer breeze makes me feel fineeee. =)

Everythings been good lately, besides the fact Im a emotional basket case. But tahts not new. lol.

Ive been partying LOTS.

Laurens was good. Sassy outfitssss. Grilling out. Jose Cuervo. Beer. UV. Bacardi. Captain. ANY OTHER LIQOUR YOU CAN THINK OF. Long lost friends. New friends. Sitting on ash trays. Causing a scene. Its how I roll really. lol. John is the only one who can calm me down. And make me listen really. Hes a good guy.

Summerfestttt was AMAZING. The park and ride. Downing a bottle of malibu && a few red bulls. Singing. Having the bus stop. Drinking more malibu in a port-o-potty. ahah. People going to the hospital. People getting kicked out. Random guys. Dancing. Reunions. The water fountain. LOTS of new numbers. Too many cigs. Talking to cops. Light up necklaces. People laying under benches. The fire works. Spilt beers. Drunk Mcdonalds. 69 Cent Sodas. Hurricane Katrina. Surviviors. lol. GOOD FUCKING TIMES.

Ive been working MUY hours lately. But thats ok that means FATTY checks.

FLORIDA IN 7 DAYS. I love those fucking kids. Omgggggg. ITS GOING DOWN.

asldkfdslafk. The fourth tomorrow. It could get crazy?

Going back to Michigan was definately a needed experiance.

The funeral and the wake were the saddest experiances of my life. Although it was nice to see that everyone loved my grandfather just as much as me. Clerks from stores he went to even came. I was amazed by how many lives he really touched. He'll never be replaced. And I dont think a day will go back that we wont miss him. He did things for me that no one ever will or would have. It was hard to say goodbye, but it made it easier to do it with my dad.

Im very worried about my grandma. It hurt so bad to watch the kind of pain you can only feel after losing someone you were with for 48 years. Im just scared now because I know how easy it is to lose someone you love. Im going back in August to stay with her. I know realize why grown ups always tell you not to take things forgranted. I know that I never will again.

My aunts wedding was beautiful, and hard at the same time. Im glad I was able to share that time with my family. And Im glad I was there for the one that counts..only she can truly understand that statement. And laugh it it.

Im growing..slowly but surely. Im doing things I dont want to but HAVE to with a few extra pushes from people who are watching down on me.

I can honestly say this with relief for the FIRST time in a long time.. things will be ok.

God broke our hearts to prove he only takes the best.
RIP Grandpa. We'll never stop loving you. You were the greatest man I've ever known. And you'll ALWAYS be missed.

First sun burn of the season. THATS WHUZ GOOD!

Summer in 8 days. HOLLERRRRRR.

Im so confused lately.

This year was a bust. When it comes to being happy atleast.

When it comes to growing up..well that wasn't a bust.

I dont like watching people grow old and get sick. It doesnt give me much hope for anything. Hope that things will get better.

I dont understand life. And someone told me that your not supposed to and you never will. But just why. Why do bad things happen. Why are we living to die. I know the time in between that is what matters. But right now Im not liking my time too much.

I had all these goals, and all these hopes. And I feel like I dont have anything anymore.

Theres not a soul in the world who understands me..its impossible for anyone too really. I dont even understand myself at this point.

This summer is much needed..im awstruck at what has all happened between last june and this june. I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down.

I need something..Im just so unsure of what that something is. I need the feeling of being able to trust again. The feeling of being loved. That feeling of being excited..of having passion.

I used to want to go to college, to travel the world, to have everyone I knew know I loved them, to spend time with family, to do all these things. And now I just feel like I dont know how.

Im in too many pieces right now.. I need to figure out how to put myself together or life is going to be a whole lot longer than Id like it to be.

Hmmm..

I wish I was one of those people that never got brought down by anything. One of those people who could take anger and confusion and turn them into something wonderful. One of those people who could take a not so kind word, and push it aside with a smile. And still be able to tell that person who tried to bring you down to have a wondeful day. I'll be that person eventually. I've grown up alot thats for sure. And Im proud of myself. But I know I still have LOTS more growing to do.

The one thing I hope EVERYONE understands about me.. is that if I tell you I love you..whether your family, a friend, or something more. No one will ever love you more than that. When I love I love with all my heart and my soul. And Ill do anything for youuu. Thats how it should be. And if everyone in the world could just love and not hate it would be such a better place.

I cant have best friends that are guys cuz I ALWAYS fall for them. Has never failed ONCE. Shoot meeeeeee.

I wish I could pin point the exact second that everything changed.. and things started becoming like this. Cuz if I could Id go back and fix it.